So last night I drove to Hudson Wisconsin to visit with a TBPP family that I started working with a little while ago. Since it was an evening visit (which I typically try and avoid), I invited Seamus to come and have some special mom time. Since we'd be gone over the dinner hour, he made himself a PB&J for the car and cut up an apple (he also got to bring a mini-sprite which might have been the highlight).
On the way, we talked about how to behave and what to expect and we had a lovely little visit - it always feels precious to have time one on one. As I had hoped, he was a wonderful addition to my meeting, friendly and kind, patient and not fearful.
As has happened in the past with him, a resident noticed him as we walked in and shortly after we arrive in the private visiting room with the family we had come to meet, this other resident appeared. Her name was Georgia and she clearly wanted to visit with Seamus. She appearedto have advanced dementia but looked otherwise quite spry. I was a touch worried that she might fixate - disrupting the family on a special trip to see their mother's TBPP movie for the first time.
Visits from kids can be a rare occasion in many typical nursing homes - but in my experience children are often like shining light into a dark room. Everyone brightens, glowing in the reflection of young, smiling faces.
Georgia asked everyone around "who does this handsome boy belong to?" and no matter how many times we answered she'd eventually return to the question. Seamus sat next to her and visited quietly showing her his books and answering her questions. I love this about him. I know adults who would struggle in this situation - he's isn't totally at ease either - but he just seems to know how to lean into this kind of situation. He naturally knows that kindness and patience are always the answer. He diffused the situation almost entirely on his own and instead of being disruptive, it was a perfect example of redirection therapy. She was engaged and happy with Seamus. It was inspiring not only to me but to the family we had come to meet.
During this time I was getting the digital frame and movie set up for the TBPP family. I had met the husband (a devoted caregiver) several times, enough that I felt I had a pretty good sense of how the family handled late stage care for his wife. We also met 3 of his 4 children and his wife. We get a lovely introduction to people through their photos, but it always fascinating to meet the person for the first time.
This is why I do the work that I do. The husband described his wife as having a "servant's heart" and that was clearly confirmed in her photos. Seeing her kids embracing the symptoms of her disease, she rarely spoke in understandable words and wanted to be touching or holding on to someone all the time, by gently nodding, smiling and holding her hands. Many families cannot do this - it's just too hard. But when we find families who are able to see past the disease, who are able to recognize that now is the time for patience and calm, who can let go of their own grief to be a source of comfort and gentleness for these moments of visitation; it makes it all worth while.
As we watched the movie together, the kids often cried and talked to their mother, not quizzing her on the pictures but just commenting on the amazing life this beautiful woman has lived. And as if on cue, she smiled and watched the movie and they all remarked that she was more engaged than she'd been in a long time. Before Dementia , she never watched TV or movies- she was always a doer instead of a watcher and so we didn't have high hopes that the movie would be a good tool for her - but at the beginning we try everything. I also brought a digital frame to mount on her wall, but she seemed to really enjoy watching the movie with her kids and everyone was surprised that she sat through the whole 35 minutes.
As we packed up everyone hugged (including Seamus) and we planned out the next steps. Seamus said goodbye to Georgia (his new resident friend) and as she again asked who he belonged to, he held her hands and said "that's my mom right there."
Once in the car, we talked about how it felt to be with a family when they go through the old photos. We talked about why people would cry when they see old photos - its a little bit sad but its a little bit happy too. I am so glad he chose to come with - he makes me better at what I do - because if a 7 year old can put aside any feelings of awkwardness, a 35 year old woman shouldn't have any trouble at all.
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