Transitioning Gracefully, Courageously

Over the last few weeks, I have had numerous conversations with people about the challenge of dealing with transitions in their lives. Starting with Finn a few weeks ago when the count down to kindergarten round up started, he is so excited for kindergarten, but being the seasoned 5 year old that he is, he realized there were some things to think about when it came to making this big school step. First, he knew about the shots. His friend Will had already been for the dreaded doctor's appointment required to go to school. He had heard tell of the multiple shots, which leave your arms sore for days. But Finn is an interesting kid, instead of saying he didn't want to go to the doctor he got up every day and asked if we could "just get it over with and go today". He knew he needed to get through it and he figured sooner was better than later. Eventually the day did come and he was nervous, but also still seemingly eager to get this behind him.

The day started with breakfast in Newport with Mary Bailey, my parents, Gordy, Jo, Mary, Peg and Erin. I had a meeting with Sholom Home in St Paul. We had lunch with my sister Mary to catch up and reconnect (sisters are wonderful for this), Finally, MJ, Finn and I made our way to Osseo to see Dr. Noonan. So needless to say it had been a big day already.

Dr. Noonan asked about Finn's speech and his hearing and I was caught off guard because I forgot that last year I brought him in because I was a little concerned. He has changed and grown so much over the year that I'd forgotten I'd ever been a little worried. It is amazing the difference a year makes.

During the appointment Finn was polite and attentive, quiet but cute, and Noonan declared him the perfect child. I whole heartedly agreed. Finn had a fading bruise on his cheek and Noonan asked me about being accident prone and I said that Finn wasn't accident prone but he did bruise more easily than the other kids. He decided to check his blood work since he was a little low on iron the last time we were in (everything was fine). This involved a finger prick which was not something Finn had prepared himself for and started off the round of vaccinations on the totally wrong foot. Finn got the 4 vaccines in both of his thighs (2 each - and note NOT in the arm like his buddy). He was already a little panicked because after the finger prick he kept bleeding - soaking through the gauze three times.

So we moved on to the shots and after the first one I was holding his arms as the nurse held on to his legs, he gave a whole-hearted scream. He looked up at me so sad and shocked - he didn't expect this to be quite so bad, and I promptly helped the situation by crying almost as hard as he did. It took him a long time to fully settle down - he was so quiet and seemed on the verge of tears for about 2 hours after wards. We talked about how vaccines keep us safe and why we have to do things that are uncomfortable, and he had a very adult understanding of the situation. "Mamma, I know I had to get them, but someone should invent a way so it doesn't have to hurt and be so scary." He may have decided to become a scientist in that moment.

The second thing, was the realization that some day relatively soon he will actually BE going to kindergarten and that is very different than wanting to go to kindergarten. Actually going and meeting new kids, new teachers in a new building became a little scary. He's talking a little more tentatively about school now.

We never grow out of this emotion - I've talked to so many adults who are caught in this same circle. Knowing the future is coming, that life is changing around us and somehow feeling caught in the wave of time marching forward, feeling not like we're captaining the ship but just along for the ride. My friends with sick or aging parents, the TBPP families who seem to live preparing for the worst, friends with financial fears, friends who are hoping impatiently for a baby, friends who are hoping their marriages will improve, their relationships with grow, their health will hold out, and our friends who are still trying to find their place in the world before life has passed by.

So I'm looking at Finn so tenderly right now, because he's right, taking a first (and a second, a third, a fourth, a 50th) big step is scary, but it is also the biggest reward. Whether it is about finally accepting that not everything is in our control, or recognizing that lots of things ARE in our control and taking that big step (or quiet, little step) forward as gracefully as possibly, we wake up each day with a choice. As I've said before (but somehow the more I repeat it the truer it rings in my own life), it isn't our circumstances that define us but how we rise to our challenges, how we hold out our hands to the people around us, how we move forward even when we are most afraid that sets the foundation of our lives.

If we can learn it in kindergarten, do we think that we can carry it with us always? I hope. Courage is as contagious as love.