James's Eulogy for his Dad

At the funeral James spoke on behalf of the family and several of you have asked to read it. He did a remarkable job reflecting on his dad - I've never been more proud in my life...

For those of you that don't know me, I'm James Dougherty, Tom's son. On behalf of my mother and whole Dougherty family, thank you for your prayers and presence here today.

My job is to speak of Dad and boil down his experience into some really important points. It's not an easy job - my Dad was a complex guy. The words that come to mind, "character", "integrity", "love", "family", "strength" - don't seem to cut it. I pulled together a list of truths about dad- hoping that it will help me with this challenge. I know that Dad had unique relationships with his Pershing rifle buddies, secret service friends and FDA friends, his siblings, in-laws, kids, and his wife - I hope these few thoughts do justice to those complex relationships.

• If you're a stranger who happened to be sitting on a plane next to Dad - he could avoid answering questions about his job for an infinite amount of time.
• Dad was really big on giving advice. Lots of it. Whether you asked for it or not. It wasn't until we were older that we realized that we should actually be listening. But, according to Katie, "He honored and respected our choices, even if he disagreed with them"
• He had an impressive gift with sarcasm - really a great sense of humor. It achieved a level of wit wizardry that has left all of us aspiring to someday achieve sarcasm zen mastery. Andie is Dad's most promising new student of the Dougherty sarcasm.
• Dad invented having a beer at lunch while on vacation. He savored that beer with a sandwich and a newspaper in a way that made it look majestic.
• We always thought dad was a straight A student - it took me until jr year of college to find out that his 3 credit ROTC class is what kept him above a C average. Seems like a smart tactic - since all of us were successful in college - Katie even got a masters degree.
• He and Katie shared a love of history, books, and the privilege that daddy's girl provides. I always loved to talk with him about katie - his voice noticeably softened - he loved her so much. I guess Dads love their daughters just a little bit differently.
• He was just like his Dad with his son's wives (Andie and Anne) - he was gifted at welcoming them into the family with a special word, hug, or box from Tiffany's. For a guy who wasn't known for being chatty, he always had the right thing to say to them. He made two things clear - 1) he loved them 2) he knew how to make them feel special.
• Newspaper and magazine clippings - he was always cutting articles out and laying them on our beds or mailing them off with a very brief note. Saying something like "thought you might appreciate this....or this sounds like your situation..."
• In the last few years, he lost both of his parents and he was really sad. But the time spent with his family sorting out affairs made it tremendously clear just how much my Dad loved his siblings (Mike, Marion, and John) and how strong they were. While my brother, Tom, passed last March - I'm already overwhelmed with love for my sister, Katie, as we go through this process.
• He was already a gifted grandpa. My 2 yr old, Finn, wanted nothing to do with anybody but Grandpa. Each night, Seamus would pray for everybody. Mom, dad, gma, gpa, uncle tom, katie, andie, connor, stuffed animals, imaginary friends, etc. Finn - grandpa. I'd ask "Anybody else, finn?" Grandpa. He was like the pied piper of grandpas. My brother had a similar quality....
• When we came back to visit, Dad would create a Lobster and clam bake on the deck. It was a feast invented by Dad that was so perfect - lobsters lovingly selected, clams from the particular clam shop, corn on the cob. I've never experienced a meal that was such a perfect marriage between our family, his loves of the deck and the outdoors, and great local food. Great memories.....
• Dad had done a lot of cool things, been a lot of interesting places, but for a long time he was not real big on sharing this coveted information. While that proved frustrating at times - it did make it that much more powerful when he finally shared that tidbit (new story about Nixon, funny army story).
• He always won at Trivial Pursuit. Always. Yet he never seemed to like playing. Quite a paradox.
• While he fished at Sandy Hook pretty often, he often commented that he had no idea what he would do if he actually caught a fish.
• When he came back from a run outside, or a bike ride on sandy hook, or a kayak in the shrewsbury river - he always had a big smile on his face.
• He loved my Mom in such a special way. He wasn't gifted at Valentine's day - or anniversaries.....or even birthdays or christmas. But he would show up with flowers at unexpected times...he would fill the empty vase...he would restock the thing my Mom loved when she wanted it the most. His knack was to anticipate what my Mom wanted, then provide it at the time of maximum impact. It wasn't perfect - but I think that is what makes it so obviously an act of love. As my Mom says - he was perfect for her.
• He always said "I love you" - to my Mom, my sister, and Tom and I's wives. He also gave spectacular hugs.
  

I want to be like that.

My Dad was not long winded - so I'm going to wrap up here. We've faced tragedy twice recently - with the death of my brother Tom last March and now with my Dad. We don't know what to do. We've also received two beautiful gifts with MJ and Connor's birth. To take the lead from my sister's Eulogy of my brother - let's plan to honor Dad by remembering all the fun he shared, the life lessons he provided, the advice he gave - and making sure his grandkids hear and know all about them. Let's plan on copying his generosity and selflessness everyday by caring for each other, his grandkids, his brothers and sisters, and our Mom. We ask for your help in keeping this promise and reminding us of Dad's grace in our lives.