Change.

Kids, today all anyone can talk about is change. Change is a sort of loaded word I think. Every morning that I get to wake up as your mother I know that I will encounter something new, something fun, something challenging. Each day is different. Nothing stays the same. Sometimes change is terrifying, sometimes it is exhilarating. Often it is both.

Raising children is the greatest and most important challenge of my life. I feel confident making a claim like that even though I'm 33 years old, because no matter what I go through, I will always think about it in terms of what my choices and how my actions teach you. You will learn from my failures as much (or even more) than my success.

Today, we break my cardinal rule about TV during the day. I've got the TV in the fridge (yes, we did have a TV in the fridge in 2009) on various news channels and we've watched the Obamas exit church and enter the White House. I didn't send Seamus to school today so we could be together and I hope that while you won't be interested in listen to 20 minutes of speeches (or 4 hours) that you will embrace this idea that something big is happening today. Your dad and I voted for Obama and Biden via absentee ballot because during the election we were in Charleston. We do not know what sort of president he will be (we also both voted for George W. Bush) but we participated and we are hopeful. This is an election like nothing I have witnessed in my lifetime, and I feel privileged to be raising children in light of how the world is evolving. Even though there is much darkness in the world, I think we are moving towards the light and that gives me faith in humanity today.

By the time you're reading this, we'll know what "change" really means to ourselves and our country. But I wanted you to know that on this day of transition, of ceremony and speech making, that we watched together and I am hopeful for your futures.

I want you to learn that leadership matters, that we live in a country that goes against so much of human nature and transitions graciously, that participation in politics is the only way to truly voice your opinion. We live in a time where people shy away from making big statements about what they personally believe. We often worry about offending the sensibilities of our friends and families. As a country we were built on dissenting opinion, we are meant to argue, fight and most importantly compromise. Don't be afraid of saying what you believe, don't be afraid of changing your mind. But always be respectful of other people and of yourself. Be courageous with your choices and be proud of your willingness to stand up for what you think.

I believe in God. I believe in personal responsibility. I believe that the United States offers the best model for government and I am grateful that this is where I was raised and where I am able to raise my children. Embrace people who have learned things in contrast to you. Understand why other people think the way they do. You cannot fully have an educated opinion if you don't understand the whole perspective. I look forward to talking politics and religion with you, I expect we will disagree on many things. I expect that I will be surprised by how much you will teach me and I hope that you learn a few of the good things from me.

Certainly, today is historic, but every day history is made. So your challenge is to see that each day is a precious opportunity for change. The only way to be a positive force in the world is to know who you are and what you believe, to be grateful and mindful of the world around you, and to wake up each morning with the drive and the energy to do something good.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

-President Barack Obama

Our favorite St. Paul police officer went to DC for the big day and even though we only got to watch on TV, knowing that Bob was there, protecting and serving, made us all feel a little bit special.

Cousin Jason

The week before Christmas we had one of the best treats of the holiday, James's cousin Jason came to visit for four days. I cannot convey how wonderful this was for all of us, each in our own way. I love Jason because he's refreshing, mild, sincere. He was a welcome extra set of hands in last few days of holiday preparation and just being with him helped me stay focused about what's really important.

I've only gotten to know him well in the last few years but he feels like a life long friend because he's one of those people who really knows how to listen, who really loves being with people and who brings out the best in the people around him. I admire so much about him.

The kids love him because he is the best (and largest) playmate any kid could wish for (he also let them watch cartoons on his ipod). He has seemingly unlimited patience and a wonderful youthful exuberance that thrilled the kids (there were lots of tears when he had to go back home).

And well, James, he loves him like a brother. He's been there for us in good times and in bad and we are so fortunate to have him in our lives. I wish we could do it more often, but we'll take what we can get. Some photos from our fun times together.

Prayer for Tom on his Birthday.

Today would have been your 34th birthday and even though you are not here to celebrate with us in person, we celebrate you today and every day for the wonderful gift that you were and are.

There isn't a day we don't think about you and smile or laugh or cry. It's hard to not wonder about what might have been. Yet we have faith in our everlasting connection. And though there is so much we do not understand, we still stand strong with you as our eternal example.

Watch over us. Stay with us. Pray for us.

Here's the prayer from last year:

The winter will lose its cold,
as the snow will be without whiteness,
The night without darkness,
the heavens without stars,
the day without light,
The flower will lose its beauty,
all fountains their water,
the sea its fish,
the tree its birds,
the forest its beasts,
the earth its harvest -
All these things will pass before
anyone breaks the bonds of our love,
And before I cease caring for you in my heart.
May your days be happy in number as flakes of snow,
May your nights be peaceful,
and may you be without troubles.

france - matthew of rievaulx - 13th century

Cheers, Tom. We look forward to the party you must be preparing. We love you.

Hello 2009!

It's strange to think that it's 2009 already. Part of me feels like we're rushing into the future at a breakneck pace, as if the present moves too quickly from anticipation to memory. I've been lax with blogging lately for numerous reasons, but one reason is that I don't want to miss a moment of anything these days. We had a lovely Christmas of 2008. I cannot pretend to say that it was completely lighthearted, most days were washed with a little sadness and a little emptiness. Human beings are so complicated in that we can feel grateful and joyful at the same time we feel heartbroken and crushed.

The lessons of 2008 are simple for us.

• Have faith.
  
• Love each moment with the people in your life.
  
• Live the life you want to live.

I don't know what 2009 will bring. I make less plans for the future now than I did a few years ago. But I know that I have a remarkable husband and wonderful kids and that feels like more bounty than I deserve.

Seamus, here are some thoughts for you as we begin 2009. School! Real, big kid school. I'm so excited for this - another big first for us all. You've become such a little grown up, so helpful and eager. I find myself thinking how much easier you often make my life (getting the milk from downstairs, turning on lights for the kids, finding toys for MJ to play with when I'm doing something else). You can clear your plate and load the dishwasher, buckle yourself into the car and sometimes help your brother, you can brush your own teeth with good results, pick out clothes that match, get all of your own snow stuff on, you can find PBS kids online and figure out how to play all the games (I hope I don't rue this too soon), you can read a few books to MJ before bed, and you've become quite an intuitive listener too. I bet you'll be reading more on your own this year but I hope you don't tire of our story time, because it is the best part of my day. Recently you've told me that you want to be an inventor, and a person who builds buildings for people who are sick. You also said that you'd like to stay home and take care of the kids (not sure what kids you meant) and write stories.


I say it over and over, but you are such a pleasure. I love your 5 year old self so much that it's hard to imagine you'll be 6 this year but I know that you'll be full of energy and surprises. For Christmas you asked Santa for a dragon set.

On Christmas Eve when he gave you a car, you politely said that he'd made a mistake. You had requested a dragon. Once it was clear that this wasn't going to change anything, you hugged him and sat down with your car. Since thanksgiving, you had told everyone who would listen (including Santa himself at least 3 times) that you wanted a dragon for Christmas. I could see you sort of replaying these conversations in your head as you sat quietly on the floor. Santa told you he was coming again later that night and so you silently kept your hope alive. Unfortunately, Santa again did not bring you a dragon on xmas morning. After a few more days, and no more mention of the dragon (though we all saw your eyes when you'd open a present and discover a book or a building set - happy, grateful, but clearly confused at the lack of dragonness of these presents) aunt Andie gave you one last present - exactly the dragon set that you wanted! You were so excited and pleased (a sort of Christmas miracle). I was so proud of your willingness to move on when you didn't get the toy that you wanted, and then I was so pleased by your delight and surprise when you did. As soon as it was opened, you laid everything out on the floor and shared it with your brother. We all watched a little amazed.

Finnypie, you have become the little heart of the family this year. You're full of love and exuberance. Seamus adores you and you are inseparable most days. MJ follows you around trying to steal you away from Seamus as much as she can, tugging at your hand or the back of your shirt. And God bless you, you somehow find a way to keep them both entertained. You have become a clothes horse - constantly interested in getting "handsome" and frankly, you've got a nice knack for it. You like a shirt with a collar, pants with a belt and a nice sweater. You got a few sweaters for Christmas and what 3 year old jumps up and down and puts them immediately on? You just kill us sometime.

You - in your little 3 year old way, have helped with all our grief immensely. You seem to have a unique intuition about when to hug or cuddle, when to be funny or quiet and when to be honest about how you're feeling. The most precious and poignant example I can think of was one night over Christmas when I found you crying in bed one night, sad because you said you wanted Grandpa to wake up. This was both piercing and comforting because it seems like evidence that you will remember this special connection to Grandpa. While rubbing your back, I reminded you that Grandpa would always be in your heart and you replied "I want him out of my heart now. I just want him here." We all do buddy, and the truth is that when we look at you, he is out of our hearts and sitting in front of our eyes.

Little Missypie, MJ, your father says it all the time, he doesn't know what we would have all done if you hadn't come into our lives when you did. 2008 was a big year for you - walking, some talking and developing into quite a personality. You love kisses, big wet, messy kisses. You will hold on to my face, kissing and giggling until I cannot stand it anymore (and it takes a long time before I insist on wiping off). You like to cuddle in bed and your new favorite thing is to pat the spot next to you on the bed, a sofa, chair or bench and motion me to come sit. You're pretty bossy and I'm hoping that will lessen as you learn to talk more, but in light of your namesake, I'm guessing it won't. Nick and Erin (mostly Erin) gave you a cabbage patch doll for Christmas, you call her Dolly or Bing (I have no idea why) and you go nowhere without her. She is now a critical part of the family. You and Connor played more together this time - there was less screaming and hitting on both parts - and you both seemed to agree that hugging is preferable to biting. Thank God.





On Christmas Eve you sat in Greta's lap waiting to see what this Santa thing was all about. And I watched my mother survey the room as we started our first Christmas carol, I saw the moment her gaze settled on the two of you, and I watched her eyes swell up and I could feel the joy in her heart at the sight of you. My mother, aunt Mary and I cried all through the song and several of the girls teased me, but sometimes you can't help but feel overwhelmed by these little nameless gifts.

More later....

Let it Snow!

Connor and Andie also came for a Christmas visit. And Connor proved to be a real outdoors man - even Andie was a real trouper. They went sledding and played in the back yard (while Grandma and I watched from the kitchen). We feel so fortunate that Andie is willing to take the time and the energy to make this trip. It is so much fun to be together with the kids especially now that Connor and MJ are starting to get into the fray a little more. Connor and Finn seem to be solidifying a special bond and they spent tons of time together playing. I think Finn loves being the big cousin (and I've told him he'd better enjoy it while it lasts because Connor is closing in on height and weight).

Not sure what they're playing but they're having fun.












James and Connor












Seamus mugging.














Andie sledding at Peggy's.













Connor resting up before the big event.



















This picture looks like Seamus is picking Connor up by his head (I don't think that's what happened but who can really be sure)?



















And this picture looks like Finn is taking care of business for Connor. What are big cousins for?













This picture looks slightly less menacing...slightly...














Hot chocolate for all!

Imagination Land

So we had one of those winters that makes you wonder why people live in this God forsaken place (ok, it hasn't been that bad, but after two months of exclusively taking about the weather, you start to get a little brainwashed).

This is what most of the days look like in the house - we are inconstant imaginary combat mode. Prince Caspian, Aslan, Harry Potter and Han Solo routinely hang out together in various forts in our house. MJ is even often in on the act. God Lord...