What Kind of Animal Am I?

There has been a lot of talk this week in the news about good vs. bad
parenting. And it's gotten me thinking about my own rules of
parenting. In the short seven years that I've been a mom here are the
five things that guide each day of parenting for me (I'm going to
remind my future self to critique these in 20 years):

1. Love your partner.
2. Be the kind of person you want your child to grow up to be.
3. Little is as important as big.
4. Take care of your body.
5. Listen.

Working hard at having a strong, loving relationship that illustrates
joy, commitment, problem solving, and shared history is one of the
very best things you can do for a child. Our parents marriage teaches
us about what marriage means - both for good and for bad so I try and
always remember that this is the single most influential thing that I
do to show my kids how to deal with people. Not everyone has a spouse,
and I don't know how I would handle being a single parent. I hope I
don't ever find out. But all I can think is that we all have
relationships that define us - sibling, parent, other relative or
friend - and when our kids think about us - my guess is they will
think about how we interacted with this person.

I also always think about the big dreams I have for my kids and at
some point in the last two years I realized I had to walk the walk not
just talk the talk. This isn't as hard as it sounds. It can be as
simple as working hard to BE a good sibling myself so that my kids can
see I mean it when I say they have to take good care of each other. If
you want your kids to be avid readers, you'd better pick up a book.
This to me is the most cerebral part of parenting - I am always
thinking about what my own actions are teaching my kids. I am a work
in progress. We aren't always on our best behavior, but sometimes
when we fail we are presented with even more opportunity. If I lose my
temper (which happens and is different than yelling because your kids
are about to do something dangerous, mean spirited etc. This is about
the moments when you're angry about something else, overtired, sad etc
and your kids pay the price), I always try to apologize. We can show
that we aren't perfect, but we do have to be accountable for how we
behave.

The little things we do each day, saying please and thank you, sharing
our precious things, getting through the day, prayers at bedtime,
these are the things that make up our lives. It isn't the few big
events - the weddings, the graduations, the promotions, the accolades
- it is the simple everyday ordinary moments. How we greet and treat
the people we live with is truly who we are. So I made a big deal
about how the kids treat and talk to each other, how they view
sharing, how they understand giving and receiving, and what they view
as the most important things. James started a tradition a few years
ago. If you ask the kids what the most important thing is - I can
guarantee they will answer "being good to your family." Someday we'll
probably have arguments with the kids about this concept, but my hope
and my prayer is that in the end it will be imprinted on their hearts.

Life is totally unpredictable. We do not know when our time is up,
but I think about how grateful I am that my dad got a second chance in
his 50s to change his life (I am also grateful for the drugs that
probably saved his life). My dad's had the chance to walk me down the
isle, know my husband and hold my children. Quitting smoking, watching
his diet and making moderate exercise a part of his life has helped
keep him around and I am grateful. We don't often get second chances,
so we do the best we can with the bodies we have, I feel we owe that
to each other.

Listening is a funny thing. It should be easy - it often isn't. But
what I believe is that if we open our ears (and our minds) to the
world around us - we make our own impact. How does listening impact?
Seems counterintuitive? I remember in high school talking politics
and religion with my dad. I knew he had his opinions, but the best way
he shaped mine was listening to what I had to say. With TBPP I cannot
tell you how often I feel like just sitting with someone as they are
working out their worries, makes more of an impact than anything I
could do or offer. Trust that other people have smart, insightful
things to say and teach us. We are never to old to stop learning.

Parenting is much harder, much more intellectual than I expected. I
genuinely fall into bed thinking about how I did that day. Sometimes I
am pleased, sometimes I'm glad I get to try again the next day. But
in the end, if I honestly do my best for the kids (which is not always
my best for myself) than in the end, I think it will turn out all
right. Getting kids dressed, bathed, potty trained and to bed are the
simple things. The hard work is raising people we can trust will leave
the world a better place.

The house is so quiet right now, I'm sure MJ is plotting world
domination in the basement...

Finn's Winter Eyewear.

Faith, Humor and Optimism

I want to write something about the last week - but I'm having a hard time getting started. I guess the best place to start is with the moral of the story: My parents have taught all their kids how to face a world that is unpredictable and ever changing with real faith, a reasonable amount of humor and pragmatic optimism.

My dad's mantra "we are blessed" is always present in their lives no matter what they are facing - and my mom's mantra "have more fun" is also at the forefront of each day. These guiding principles have shaped my own marriage as well as how I view the world around me. No matter what we've been through, I always remember that I am incredibly fortunate and that I need to live in and enjoy the moment. It's not even something I need to work at - my parents have so impressed this upon me that it is a natural reaction.

I was driving on Saturday afternoon, running a few typical weekend errands, picking up pictures for TBPP, heading to the library and I wanted to get the car cleaned. I called my parents to let them know that I was planning to stop over later. My dad answered the phone and said he had something he wanted to talk to me about.

He'd been to the doctor to talk about some concerns he had about his short term memory - it had been a helpful visit and then he'd spent that morning with Chris, who is his power of attorney, and Nick who is not his doctor but who has been very involved in his healthcare. They had a good visit and then the three of them had a nice chat with my mom about what dad's concerns really mean. He sounded wonderful on the phone, his voice calm and maybe even a little relieved. He told me this was nothing to worry about - but he wanted to make sure everyone knew about it.

He said he knew that this wasn't a surprise to me, but he asked me how I felt. And honestly, the thing I felt the most was blessed and proud. All I could think of was that this was my dad at his very best - self aware, honest, and loving. His concern was more about my mom and his kids and less about himself. Classic dad.

The truth is that last week was no different from this week - nothing has changed except my dad feels better about being honest with his concerns how ever modest they are. In this simple act of going to the doctor and calling all his kids he showed us something else: we shouldn't be afraid. We should look at our lives with open eyes and clear hearts - and if we can do that - everything will be ok. Labels, diagnosis, prognosis don't matter near as much as how we approach a situation. And how we approach a situation says more about us than anything else.

My mom's comments about the whole situation were as telling as my dad's. When I talked with her on the phone, she also asked how I felt, and I told her the same thing I told my dad, that I was proud of them. She's got plans for my dad which include more exercise and drinking more water - but in the end she said he's really doing great. And if something changes they'll deal with that - but for now they're just going to take care of themselves and have a lot of fun. The truth is that winter is a hard time of year for my dad - he misses the gardening, golfing and the warm weather. Mom is optimistic that he'll feel better after they get some time in the sun - they're heading for a month long vacation in Florida (all my sisters and I are joining them for one weekend - yippee).

Saturday night James, I and the kids went to mass. We sat behind Paula and her parents who have had a sort of rough winter - but who are as wonderful and feisty as ever. I was feeling sort of tender. Paula and I have been crazy busy the last few months and haven't spent as much time together (I bet her son Jeff wishes he could say the same - poor kid is always at my house scanning pictures). The offertory song began to play and I started to cry. The only other time I've heard this song was a few years ago at another tender time.

It was The Servant Song:

Brother, let me be your servant
Let me be as Christ to you
Pray that I may have the grace
To let you be my servant, too

We are pilgrims on a journey
We are brothers on the road
We are here to help each other
Walk the mile and bear the load

I will hold the Christlight for you
In the night-time of your fear
I will hold my hand out to you
Speak the peace you long to hear

I will weep when you are weeping
When you laugh I'll laugh with you
I will share your joy and sorrow
Till we've seen this journey through

When we sing to God in heaven
We shall find such harmony
Born of all we've known together
Of Christ's love and agony

Brother, let me be your servant
Let me be as Christ to you
Pray that I may have the grace
To let you be my servant, too

And I wasn't crying just because I was sad, but because it was so crystal clear to me how God works in our lives. We are given to each other as gifts to be enjoyed, treasured and shared - whether it is our parents, our spouses, our children, our siblings or our very good friends. My parents spent a lot of time last week (and over the last few months) helping a friend and neighbor who was dying of cancer. Mom brought food and my dad brought up communion. But what they brought more than anything was support and comfort. My parents have shown me that serving each other isn't the duty - it's the reward.

Now in the days that have followed, I got to spend time with my folks up at the cabin. Dad drove us up and helped me lug our stuff through the snow to the cabin (it was incredibly deep). I took Seamus out of school for a day and we all read lots of books, skied, and snowshoed. It was a lovely three days - kids were great and my parents were fabulous. We hot tubbed one night and my mom made a lovely meal. We laughed a lot - we made quite a few memory jokes. My parents are still actively parenting, supporting, serving me, I rely on them so much and I am entirely grateful for it.

Outdoor adventures

Adventuring out in the deep, deep Minnesota snow. Boys on hand me down cross country skis (thanks Winsors), MJ riding a makeshift sled (designed by Seamus) powered by mom. Perfect kind of winter excercise - not too cold and no wind. I'll be ready for a nap.

Seamus Reading Bedtime Stories

Seriously? Who even needs me anymore?

Road Tripping

I remember riding to the lake in the backseat of various family cars, hanging my head into the front seat talking (and talking and talking - sound familiar?). I was a lucky girl to have parents who humored my "communication skills". But today, driving in the back of the Tahoe, I can see how fortunate I am as a woman.

More later...