Today. Everyday.

Yesterday was Paula's birthday. Katie coined the term "Paula-palooza 2008" because we had a two day celebration including lots of wine, a facial, a movie, a green crown and FABULOUS Chinese food. Paula may have thought it was a bit over the top but Katie and I had as much fun as we've had in a long time.

Paula's birthday will always be a complicated and poignant anniversary for me - we had just gotten home last year from DiGidio's with Bob and Paula when James's dad called to tell us that Tom had died. Our world changed. Tom was gone. Over the course of the next two days Paula took care of the boys, brought food, helped us get ourselves together before we left for Charleston. We were filled with fear, sorrow, anger and a litany of other varying emotions as time went on. There hasn't been a day since that I didn't think about that night and how nothing would ever be the same again. When we got home from the funeral, she brought more food, more flowers, but mostly she was just available for us. Whatever we needed, whenever we needed it.

When James's dad died she and Bob flew to New Jersey and took care of the kids during the wake and funeral. While we were still gone they repaired our car, cleaned our house, and bought groceries.

I had been waxing poetic about our friendship with Paula on the blog the day before Tom died - I feel a bit naive about it now - as it has turned out I had no idea the kind of friend Paula would be or how much we were going to need she and Bob over the course of the next year. And so now a year later, I just don't have anything more to say. Our debt to she and Bob as well as our joy in their friendship is really without words. I was tired a few week ago at Sunday night mass - feeling a little sorry for myself and there was a hymn sung during the offertory - "Let Me Be Your Servant"

Will you let me be your servant, Let me be as Christ to you;
Pray that I may have the grace to Let you be my servant, too.

We are pilgrims on a journey, We are trav'lers on the road;
We are here to help each other. Walk the mile and bear the load.

I will hold the Christ light for you In the night-time of your fear;
I will hold my hand out to you, Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping; When you laugh I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow, Till we've seen this journey through.

And I had a good cry and thought about Paula and how she's carried us so often during this time. So much has changed since last year - not only for James and I - but for she and Bob too. Their boys are getting older and they are preparing to send their 18 year old son, Eric, to war - we all have more fear and worry in our lives than we did last year. I can only hope that I can be to her all that she has been to me.

So today, as everyday, there is fear and sadness, but there is also love and comfort. We wake each day to choose which pair we fully embrace. I appreciate birthdays more now. I think I appreciate everything more now. Especially the people I love. Especially Paula.

Happy Birthday, Paula. I don't know what the next year will bring - but I know that I am grateful to be on the journey with you.