What Kind of Animal Am I?

There has been a lot of talk this week in the news about good vs. bad
parenting. And it's gotten me thinking about my own rules of
parenting. In the short seven years that I've been a mom here are the
five things that guide each day of parenting for me (I'm going to
remind my future self to critique these in 20 years):

1. Love your partner.
2. Be the kind of person you want your child to grow up to be.
3. Little is as important as big.
4. Take care of your body.
5. Listen.

Working hard at having a strong, loving relationship that illustrates
joy, commitment, problem solving, and shared history is one of the
very best things you can do for a child. Our parents marriage teaches
us about what marriage means - both for good and for bad so I try and
always remember that this is the single most influential thing that I
do to show my kids how to deal with people. Not everyone has a spouse,
and I don't know how I would handle being a single parent. I hope I
don't ever find out. But all I can think is that we all have
relationships that define us - sibling, parent, other relative or
friend - and when our kids think about us - my guess is they will
think about how we interacted with this person.

I also always think about the big dreams I have for my kids and at
some point in the last two years I realized I had to walk the walk not
just talk the talk. This isn't as hard as it sounds. It can be as
simple as working hard to BE a good sibling myself so that my kids can
see I mean it when I say they have to take good care of each other. If
you want your kids to be avid readers, you'd better pick up a book.
This to me is the most cerebral part of parenting - I am always
thinking about what my own actions are teaching my kids. I am a work
in progress. We aren't always on our best behavior, but sometimes
when we fail we are presented with even more opportunity. If I lose my
temper (which happens and is different than yelling because your kids
are about to do something dangerous, mean spirited etc. This is about
the moments when you're angry about something else, overtired, sad etc
and your kids pay the price), I always try to apologize. We can show
that we aren't perfect, but we do have to be accountable for how we
behave.

The little things we do each day, saying please and thank you, sharing
our precious things, getting through the day, prayers at bedtime,
these are the things that make up our lives. It isn't the few big
events - the weddings, the graduations, the promotions, the accolades
- it is the simple everyday ordinary moments. How we greet and treat
the people we live with is truly who we are. So I made a big deal
about how the kids treat and talk to each other, how they view
sharing, how they understand giving and receiving, and what they view
as the most important things. James started a tradition a few years
ago. If you ask the kids what the most important thing is - I can
guarantee they will answer "being good to your family." Someday we'll
probably have arguments with the kids about this concept, but my hope
and my prayer is that in the end it will be imprinted on their hearts.

Life is totally unpredictable. We do not know when our time is up,
but I think about how grateful I am that my dad got a second chance in
his 50s to change his life (I am also grateful for the drugs that
probably saved his life). My dad's had the chance to walk me down the
isle, know my husband and hold my children. Quitting smoking, watching
his diet and making moderate exercise a part of his life has helped
keep him around and I am grateful. We don't often get second chances,
so we do the best we can with the bodies we have, I feel we owe that
to each other.

Listening is a funny thing. It should be easy - it often isn't. But
what I believe is that if we open our ears (and our minds) to the
world around us - we make our own impact. How does listening impact?
Seems counterintuitive? I remember in high school talking politics
and religion with my dad. I knew he had his opinions, but the best way
he shaped mine was listening to what I had to say. With TBPP I cannot
tell you how often I feel like just sitting with someone as they are
working out their worries, makes more of an impact than anything I
could do or offer. Trust that other people have smart, insightful
things to say and teach us. We are never to old to stop learning.

Parenting is much harder, much more intellectual than I expected. I
genuinely fall into bed thinking about how I did that day. Sometimes I
am pleased, sometimes I'm glad I get to try again the next day. But
in the end, if I honestly do my best for the kids (which is not always
my best for myself) than in the end, I think it will turn out all
right. Getting kids dressed, bathed, potty trained and to bed are the
simple things. The hard work is raising people we can trust will leave
the world a better place.

The house is so quiet right now, I'm sure MJ is plotting world
domination in the basement...